Awkward...

So, personally, I think death is one of the most awkward things ever. I never know how to help/handle people who are dealing with death. Everyone grieves differently and I've been lucky enough to not experience anyone close to me dying. But two weeks ago, my grandpa was rushed to the hospital for an ulcer bursting. Now, this apparently has happened before and I just didn't know about it. But he's like 80 something now and I'm slowly starting to realize that he might not be here next year. And to top it off, my other grandpa was rushed to the hospital this week for kidney stones, he's still there, and my mom wants me to call his room. I just don't know what to say. It's just so weird not from not having to deal with death and then having it in the back of your mind constantly. We get old, and then we die whether it's peacefully or not. Everyone always tiptoes around the word death, or died, I don't think there's really a way to sugar coat the inevitable. But now all of these feelings about how I wish I was closer to my grandparents are filling my head and you think we would be close since it's not like they live in another state or 4+ hrs away, but I'm just not. So I'm wondering how I'm going to react once they do pass away. I know I'll probably feel guilt and regret because now it's too late to get to know them. Obviously, I love all my grandparents but I see my friends and how close they are with theirs and I don't have that kind of relationship with them. On top of that, my family's already small, on both sides. I'm really not close with any of my family which makes me angry and sad all at the same time. And now that I'm in college I barely have time to be close to them. Some family's have game nights and eat at each other's houses every sunday and mine just don't do that. My family's not loud, or nosy, or that lovable but I'm kind of indifferent about it. I don't know if I would like them more or less if they were the opposite. I think when one of my family members dies, its just going to be SO different and SO surreal the next time we're all together...because we won't all be together ever again. I don't want to think about death but I feel like I'm forced to. I've only been to one funeral and it was my great aunt's whom I never met before and it was an open casket and I was like 9 so do the math: I was traumatized. What other words are spoken at funerals other than "I'm sorry for your loss"? Awkward awkward awkward and more awkward. I don't want to find out how I react to death but I know I will eventually especially when your mom tells you to "be prepared." What does that even mean? How am I supposed to "be prepared" for someone who has been there since I was born (whether I was all chummy with them or not) to suddenly not be there ever again? Christmas...THAT will never be the same. My favorite time of year will turn into a time I spend realizing they're gone. I just don't know how to deal with that or how to prepare myself to deal with that. This has been on my mind all month, I needed to get it out. Hopefully my next post will be a bit more cheery.

More than Anyone

So, I haven't written a blog in an INCREDIBLY long time. And it's weird because there's been multiple occasions when I started writing a blog and I either lost my train of thought or got too lazy to finish it. But I'm determined to finish this one.

This blog is entitled "More Than Anyone." I'm referring to the song by Gavin Degraw. Now, anyone who really knows me knows that I'm 1) Obsessed with Gavin Degraw 2) Obsessed with this song in particular 3) Because I want it to be my wedding song if and when I ever get married. I'm kind of stealing the idea from the show "What I Like About You" but I don't care. Hopefully Gavin Degraw will be able to come and sing it while I walk down the aisle...or even better, maybe I'll just marry Gavin Degraw so I can hear it all the time. There's the story behind the title. But anyway, I've been thinking about this song frequently over this semester.

I'm writing a play for my Playwriting class called Match.hell and it centers around a woman who has been alone for so long and she's almost 30 so her friends make her a Match.com account and she goes on all of these horrific dates with a redneck, a lesbian, an old man, and a creeper. But the woman's been alone because her first husband died and she can't move on in her life because she doesn't believe she can love again. But don't worry she finds love in the end. After I wrote it, I've been thinking exactly why I wrote it.

The woman is based on me, but how I see myself in about 10 years. Now, I obviously don't want something tragic to happen to the person I love, that's not what I'm predicting but the whole not being able to find love theme is what I relate to. Personally, I believe I have a really negative outlook on love. I think that most people throw the word around like it's not a big deal. And I can't say that I've been in the presence of love that I wish I had. Most if not all the people around me who claim to be "in love" are having some problems. And I get that love isn't perfect blah blah blah all of that cliche mumbo jumbo but why isn't it? Love is supposed to be the most sacred and treasured thing. Yet people cheat, and lie, and abuse, and torment, and tease, and hurt the people they "love." And how dare someone come up with the concept of "you hurt the people you love the most." That's complete bullshit. I'm pretty sure the one goal you have when you love someone is to never hurt them or do as much as possible not to. Now, granted, I have never been in a relationship that has lasted more than 3 months, but basically every relationship I've seen has kind of crumbled to the ground or they take so much work that you wonder why they're even together. The obstacle holding my character back from loving again is the idea of her late husband and the love she still has for him. The obstacle holding me back from loving for the first time is the idea of love and all of the baggage and heartache that seems to come with it. Devoting yourself to one person, accepting all of their faults, allowing them to be a part of your life, it's just a lot to swallow.

Especially being at college, most of my classmates who were in relationships aren't anymore. These kids said they loved each other and look what happened? Their relationship fell apart. I just don't want that. I've seen people beat themselves up over why their relationships didn't work or their partner hurt them so badly that they don't know themselves without them. That's the problem. I don't want to lose who I am just because I'm with someone else. They shouldn't steal my identity or change me but I feel that's what always happens in serious relationships. I don't want to dedicate my life to someone else. I want to live MY life.

So as you can see I'm kind of torn. I think love is a really important concept but I don't want it to affect how I live my life. That's probably why I've never been in a serious relationship besides never being in the presence of a successful one or one that the kind I would want to have. Love is just so confusing to me. It really is one of the biggest mysteries. I feel like this blog was stemmed off of a bunch of things: people breaking up, people arguing, people acting really shady, and probably most of all me being envious of people who are in love. Love is tricky. And it's human nature to want what other people have. I'm only 18, I get it. But you can only be alone for so long. Bah humbug.

lata lovas

PS. If you've never heard the song, I suggest you download/buy it immediately or watch this video, which is him at Summerfest in Milwaukee, WI and I WAS THERE. Crossed one thing off my bucket list that night. So epic.



"I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone"