Awkward...

So, personally, I think death is one of the most awkward things ever. I never know how to help/handle people who are dealing with death. Everyone grieves differently and I've been lucky enough to not experience anyone close to me dying. But two weeks ago, my grandpa was rushed to the hospital for an ulcer bursting. Now, this apparently has happened before and I just didn't know about it. But he's like 80 something now and I'm slowly starting to realize that he might not be here next year. And to top it off, my other grandpa was rushed to the hospital this week for kidney stones, he's still there, and my mom wants me to call his room. I just don't know what to say. It's just so weird not from not having to deal with death and then having it in the back of your mind constantly. We get old, and then we die whether it's peacefully or not. Everyone always tiptoes around the word death, or died, I don't think there's really a way to sugar coat the inevitable. But now all of these feelings about how I wish I was closer to my grandparents are filling my head and you think we would be close since it's not like they live in another state or 4+ hrs away, but I'm just not. So I'm wondering how I'm going to react once they do pass away. I know I'll probably feel guilt and regret because now it's too late to get to know them. Obviously, I love all my grandparents but I see my friends and how close they are with theirs and I don't have that kind of relationship with them. On top of that, my family's already small, on both sides. I'm really not close with any of my family which makes me angry and sad all at the same time. And now that I'm in college I barely have time to be close to them. Some family's have game nights and eat at each other's houses every sunday and mine just don't do that. My family's not loud, or nosy, or that lovable but I'm kind of indifferent about it. I don't know if I would like them more or less if they were the opposite. I think when one of my family members dies, its just going to be SO different and SO surreal the next time we're all together...because we won't all be together ever again. I don't want to think about death but I feel like I'm forced to. I've only been to one funeral and it was my great aunt's whom I never met before and it was an open casket and I was like 9 so do the math: I was traumatized. What other words are spoken at funerals other than "I'm sorry for your loss"? Awkward awkward awkward and more awkward. I don't want to find out how I react to death but I know I will eventually especially when your mom tells you to "be prepared." What does that even mean? How am I supposed to "be prepared" for someone who has been there since I was born (whether I was all chummy with them or not) to suddenly not be there ever again? Christmas...THAT will never be the same. My favorite time of year will turn into a time I spend realizing they're gone. I just don't know how to deal with that or how to prepare myself to deal with that. This has been on my mind all month, I needed to get it out. Hopefully my next post will be a bit more cheery.