Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Hokay, so....I say "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" very frequently throughout my day instead of saying "Jesus Christ!" or "Oh my Gawddd." I don't know why, it's just fun to say. Sometimes I say it in Spanish (Jesus, Maria y Joseph) just to mix it up. But I said it today and it got me thinking about my relationship with religion. PS: It's a rocky one. If you ask what is my religion, I'll answer simply and say "I'm agnostic." Which basically means whatever I want it to mean. That's what I like about it. I don't have to submit myself or pledge my allegiance to or devote my life to some supreme power. I don't believe in "God". I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I've never read the bible all the way through because I believe it was written by a total nut job. I believe in the Big Bang Theory and in Evolution. But then people say "so you're just an Athiest!" Which I am not. I don't believe that God created the world yet I do believe there's some force whether it be spiritual or karmic or SOMETHING that makes things pan out the way they do. I'm an agnostic because I refuse to put all my trust in "someone" (God, Allah, Buddah, whomever) who can let such horrible things happen in this world. Murder, rape, suicide, volcanoes, nuclear wars, natural disasters, diseases, etc. There's an amazing quote from the movie A Walk to Remember that hits it home for me when it comes to the topic of religion and/or belief in a God-

Jamie: Without suffering there would be no compassion.
Landon: Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer.

The whole idea of people "paying" for their sins just doesn't fly with me. People make mistakes. Who gave God the power to differentiate what is right and what is wrong? It's just such a slippery slope. In the movie John Q, it's about a guy who's insurance doesn't cover his son's heart transplant, so he takes this hospital hostage until they agree to do the transplant because otherwise his son will die. Was it right? Depends on who you ask and what they believe. Was it worth it? Most definitely. I just don't understand religion and it's influence on right and wrong. Every religion has it's own set of rules! What are you supposed to follow? Can you be half christian, half muslim, and half amish? But if you do that, aren't you sinning and betraying whatever Gods so they comdemn you to wherever they say you're going after you die? It's just all too much.

Also, it's complete bs in Catholicsm that you just go "Hey God, my bad for raping and murdering those two girls. It'll never happen again. Promise." and you're off the hook? No no no. That's fucked up. So you can sin, but as long as you say sorry, it's cool. Just the hypocrisy of it all. So wishy washy. I've actually read countless studies and most murderers are actually among the most religious people. Ironic much?

And don't get me started on baptisms/confirmations. According to Catholics, I'm going to Hell. (Haha, scratch that, probably according to every religion i'm going to their version of "Hell" just for the face I am an agnostic) I was never baptized and I never accepted Christ as my savior *BOO HOO*. I appreciate my parents for letting my choose my own belief systems instead of shoving my face into a basin of dirty tap water before I could even talk. How dare people think because they believe in some God that they think they have the power to condemn me. RUDE, SELF-RIGHTEOUS BASTARDS.

Now I'm not just bashing Catholicism, I just don't agree with religions period. In the Quaran, it's totally cool to stone a woman to death if she shows too much skin. WHAT THE FUCK. How could anyone thinks that's okay. But because someone incredibly sadistic and probably completely insane wrote the Quaran, they just decided to throw that in there. Okay, new tangent.

I'll be the first to admit that the only time I prayed when I was younger was to ask God to get me a new barbie or a new bike or the lates Gigapet (damn I miss those). That's what I thought he was for. I still think that's what God's for except I know I won't get those things and it's completely pointless to pray for anything. Just how people pray their whole lives to keep their families safe and healthy and then someone gets cancer. Hello God? Where were ya then? When people lose their jobs and are starving on the street, where'd God go? When Hurricane Katrina hit, why didn't God use his almighty power to push that hurricane the opposite way?

I'm just sick and tired of some people who think they're on this pedestal compared to me because they're religious and I'm not. And I mean, I guess they have that power over me because they know that I'm most definitely going to Hell? More room in Heaven for them I guess. I did the whole Christian camp thing when I was younger, where we went to mass, and read the bible, and prayed, and it's just not me. And that's fucking okay and I love that my beliefs are MINE and not ones that were forced upon me.

I get that this post is very controversial. Religion is a controversial subject, as most beliefs are. But they're my beliefs and take them as you will. It's nice to straighten things out, get my opinions all out there. But I dare you to say to my face that I'm headin straight to "hell in a hand basket" (as my grandma would say). Double dog dare you, actually ;)

WARNING: This post is extremely long but extremely informative

Here's 100 questions I found that can help get to know someone. I felt like getting to know myself a little better. And then I just added some fun facts about me at the end haha Enjoy :)

Personal Questions
1. How do you define honesty?
I define it as a amiable trait that depending on the situation should either be kept to one's self or said aloud. I'm not saying lying is the better choice but having a filter is also a good quality.
2. What is your biggest fear or worry?
Dying at a young age. This whole 2012 phenomenon is my biggest fear at the moment. I want to graduate, I want to live a long and happy life, I want to get the chance to and I'm terrified.
3. What is the main thing that makes you unique?
I think I'm very driven and no matter how hard people try to bring me down, I know what truly makes me happy and matters in my life.
4. If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?
The one framed picture of me, my mom, and my dad. It counts as the only legit family picture we've ever taken.
5. What facial expression or movement do you do when you are lying?
I have no idea.
6. What is the oldest item you own?
My blankey that I sleep with. I lost the original one (which was the one I was wrapped in when I was born) in a hotel bed when I was about 11 so I have a replacement but the spirit of it lives on. I usually can't sleep without it.
7. If someone was to give you one gift, money is no object, what would you want to receive?
An all expense paid trip around the world.
8. What does it mean to have courage?
To do what others think is impossible.
9. Do you like your name?
No. I think it's unique and all but it's a song by the band Steely Dan and I just blatantly don't like the song.
10. Do you have a nickname? What is it?
Yeah but I don't really know how to spell it. It's pretty hard to shorten "Aja" but people call me Ajsh? Maybe that's the spelling, if not, I don't know what is.
11. If you could have any special magic, what would it be?
I seriously want to be a witch like Hermoine Granger. Truth.
12. If you had three wishes, what would you wish?
1) I wish I was on Broadway 2) I wish I lived in New York 3) I wish I could find my true love
13. What is your greatest strength?
My singing ability.
14. What is your worst weakness?
Keeping things in until I eventually explode at everyone.
15. If you could predict the future, what would you do with that knowledge?
I would keep it to myself.
16. Is your favorite time the past, present or the future?
The present. I like to say "live in the now!" haha
17. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
Ugh, if this 2012 thing is a hoax, I see myself in a Broadway show living in New York, still close to my best friends, married, and maybe JUST maybe having ONE child :P
18. Who is the one person that helped to make you who you are today?
My mom. Not only would I literally not be here without her, but she's impacted my life in the best ways.
19. If you were punished for a crime, what type of punishment would you choose?
I'm pretty sure I can't answer this because I'd need a crime to go off of.
20. Describe a time you got into trouble.
In 8th grade, the girls on the volleyball team wanted to dress up on a game day so we all wore dresses/skirts and I wore this super cute jean skort thing that didn't follow the whole "hands by your sides" rule yet it was by no means scandalously short (PS my arms are insanely long so I've never been able to wear shorts to school) and our Dean, Mrs. Loveleiss caught me and I had to go into her office and sign her stupid book and she gave me a warning. I had to call my mom to come bring me pants and she was even pissed off because I HAD SHORTS ON UNDERNEATH THEM and she told me "It's the principal of the thing, child." I wanted to say, "Hey, why don't you try disciplining instead of befriending all your homegirls instead of catching me on a technicality" but that would've been racist wouldn't it?
21. What do you do when you first wake up in the morning?
Take a shower.
22. What makes you a good person?
I work hard and try to do the right thing.
23. What would your obituary say?
Eek, I don't even want to think about that.
24. What is your greatest regret?
Growing apart from some of my closest and oldest friends.
25. How would you describe standing on a beach looking at the ocean?
I don't really know how to further describe it. I mean, it would be nice. I'm more of a city girl.
26. What is your favorite outfit to wear?
I don't have a favorite. I wear all my clothes because I like them, hence why I bought them.
27. What do you do when you are driving alone in a car?
Sing loud and proud.

Love and Friendship Questions
28. If a friend is being bullied or harassed by someone, what do you do?
Defend them obviously.
29. Reflect on the characteristics of your best friend. What makes him or her so special?
Well, I have this idea that each of my best friends have special characteristics and if we put them all together we could make this super strong willed, accepting, self-confident, open, determined, perfect woman.
30. Has anyone close to you passed away?
No.
31. Describe a time you fell in love.
Can't say I have yet.
32. Can you keep secrets? Describe a time you didn't.
I can. In middle school I could not, I'll admit it.
33. How do you show your love for others?
I try to be there for them when they need someone.
34. What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
For my 16th birthday, my friend Laura threw me a party at a Park and all my friends came and we had a water balloon fight and it was just really fun. I like when people plan stuff for my birthday because if I did I would just sit at home haha.
35. If you could become anyone's friend that you want, who would you choose?
I'd want to be Idina Menzel's friend because she's my idol and I could probably sit and listen to her forever talk about her experiences as a performer.
36. Are you the type of person with lots of friends or just a few close ones?
A few close ones.
37. What is one quality you admire most in others?
To not care what other people think.
38. Do you prefer to be with those who are younger or older than you are?
Older.
39. If you could ask me one question, and I had to answer you truthfully, what would you want to know?
Who am I talking to? haha Have you ever killed anyone? I think that's a solid question.
40. What is the meanest thing you have ever done to someone?
I sort of kind of helped create this club of people that didn't like this one girl, in my defense, it had a lot of people in it so she obviously wasn't the poster child for nice. It was pre-mean girls and I know it was wrong and I regret it and I'm very sorry.
41. Who is one friend from your past you want to reconnect with?
My old best friend Alyssa.
42. When did you kiss for the first time and what was it like?
Ok well I kissed my first boy in preschool so I won't count that. I'll count the one that I truly count as a first kiss because I actually knew that that's what it was because it was so stereotypically awkward at first but it was sweet. That was in 7th grade.
43. Describe an activity that you think is truly romantic.
Truly romantic...hm...dinner at a nice restaurant and then just walking around (preferably somewhere with some pretty sights to see) and talking.
44. If you were to write a love note to your sweetheart, what would it say?
I love you? I don't know, I don't have a sweetheart at the moment.
45. When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help?
My mom or my friends.
46. Who are the people you love the most?
My parents and my close friends.

Worldly Questions
47. If you could speak any language, what would it be and why?
French. I studied in middle school and high school. It's just so fluid and sexy.
48. If you had to pick one place in your town to bring a tourist, where would you go?
Downtown by the lake. I think it's the only pretty place in Kenosha.
49. What is the one cause that you feel most passionate about?
Supporting our troops.
50. If you lived in the pioneer days, would you have traveled west or stayed put in the east?
Stayed in the east.
51. Which is your favorite non-profit organization? What do you do to help them?
Any non-profit arts organization I support. I support it everyday by being involved in the arts and encouraging others to do so.
52. If you could travel to space, would you go?
No.
53. If you could move anywhere, where would you go and why?
New York or London. They're just amazing in two completely different ways. New York is the epicenter of theatre and entertainment and London is the epicenter of the best parts of world history.
54. Would you want to travel the world on a boat in the sea?
I don't know, I've never been on a boat very long. Who knows if I would get sea sick.
55. When you travel away from home, do you miss it?
Not usually.
56. What is the greatest crisis we face as a world?
Everyone trying to conquer everyone. I know that world peace is not an option and if you think it is, sorry to say, but you're delusional. I blame religion and greed.
57. Describe your favorite vacation.
I traveled to 7 countries in Europe. England, France, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Lichenstein, and Germany. I love Europe. There's just so much history there because it was established long before America was. The architecture's absolutely beautiful everywhere you go and it was fun to just be thrown into a completely different culture.
58. If you could write your own bill of rights, what would you include?
I think our bill of rights is just fine. There's just people occupying the White House right now that seems to think it's okay to change the whole platform our country was based on and take some of those away.
59. What is going on today in the world that affects you the most?
Although many of Obama's supporters were college students, I was not one of them. And many who dosupport him do not realize that this rising debt we keep obtaining is not really going to effect our parents' generation, it's going to
effect ours. We're going to be broke. Has the stimulus plan worked? No. Has he increased jobs? No. Has the debt gone down? No. Along with the rest of America, the idolized Barack Obama has our fates in his hands and until he's out of office, I think we're heading for "hell in a hand basket" as my grandma would say. But that's what we get for electing a "community organizer" who accomplished nothing significant politically while he was in the senate for less than 2 years, as a president isn't it?

Health Questions
60. What bad habit would you be willing to give up if it guaranteed you would live to be 100?
Not working out haha
61. What is your favorite thing to eat?
Chalupas from taco bell or any kind of pasta.
62. What is one food that you will not eat?
Oysters.
63. What is your favorite way to exercise?
I don't like to exercise at all haha I think it's all torture. But if I had to pick, it'd be to dance.
64. If you had to choose to be blind or deaf, which one would you pick?
Blind, then I could still listen to music.
65. Have you ever been to a hospital? Why?
I've never been to the hospital for an emergency but for routine check ups and x-rays and when I had mono and strep.
66. If you could have someone else's face, whom would you choose?
I like my face just fine thanks.
67. Describe a vivid dream you have had.
I can only remember my dreams for a day and then they disappear forever from my memory.
68. What physical feature do you least like about yourself?
My nose.
69. Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
God no.

Work and Career Questions
70. If you had to pick one hero, who would it be?
My mom.
71. If you could pick one thing to change about your school or job, what would it be?
I wish some of my teachers would act more like professionals then buddies to some students.
72. What are most proud of?
I'm proud that I've actually figured out what I want to do with my life and I'm brave enough to go after my dream.
73. Are you the kind of person who wants to be the big fish in a little pond or the little fish in the big pond?
I want to be a big fish in a big pond.
74. Describe a time when you wanted to quit, but didn't.
There were many assignments/projects I wanted to half ass in school but I'd pull all nighters and finished them to the best of my ability. But boy did I just want to quit.
75. Mention one goal. When you hope to accomplish it?
Be in a show on Broadway. I don't care when, I just need to accomplish it.
76. Is competition good for you?
Yes, but I feel like it brings out a bad side in me.
77. If you could study anything you wanted in school, what would you want to learn more about?
I'd want to learn more about history as to see what we could do differently instead of making the same mistakes.
78. What is something you learned in school that you think is useless to you today? "Salir" in Spanish means "To go or to leave." I shouldn't have taken Spanish in 7th grade because I was pressured into it being told that it seems to be the more "practical" language. No language should be more practical in America than English because that's what we speak here. Get my drift?
79. When someone fails at something, what should he or she do?
Try again if it means that much to them.
80. If you could pick any career, what would you want to be?
I did pick it. I want to be a performer.
81. Do you want to be famous?
Famous, maybe. Successful, yes.

Entertainment Questions
82. If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you choose to be?
Sookie in True Blood.
83. What is your favorite outside activity?
Sand volleyball.
84. What is your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it?
Christmas. I celebrate it at my grandma's house on Christmas Eve, my house Christmas Day, and a week later at my Nana and Bapa's.
85. What is your favorite sport? Do you play or just watch?
Volleyball. I used to play.
86. Have you been on a roller coaster? What did it feel like?
Of course I have. I love roller coasters even though I'm usually scared when I'm on them.
87. If you had to spend a day not using any technology, what would you do?
I think I'd do okay. I like to read so that helps.
88. Describe the perfect party.
Nothing gets broken and there's no fights.
89. What is your favorite type of art?
Anything involving music.
90. What sport do you think you are the best at?
The only sport I think I'm remotely good at is volleyball.
91. Do you play an instrument?
I used to play cello and piano.
92. Which is your favorite song?
"More than Anyone" by Gavin Degraw
93. If you could be a cartoon character, who would you want to be?
Patty Mayonnaise from Doug.
94. Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
There once was a man with a wooden leg named Smith. Well what's the name of his other leg? Ha, got that from Mary Poppins.
95. What is the one thing that makes you laugh the hardest?
I laugh all the time but funny faces usually do it.

Family Questions
96. What makes your family unique from others?
We may not be big, but we're strong.
97. When you think back to your childhood, what was the hardest part about being a kid?
Always being told I was only a kid.
98. What are some of your family's traditions?
When we eat dinner we always sit at the same spot at the table. We always watch Christmas Vacation at my grandma's house on Christmas eve and play the grab gift game. My parents always get my flowers for my shows that have a little note of encouragement on them. We only make banana bread from this old recipe my mom has. We probably do more that I just haven't noticed.
99. Do you know how you got your name?
Yep. At the time, the song "Aja" by Steely Dan was my parents favorite so that's what they named me.
100. Are you like your parents or different? How?
Well I'm a complete mixture of both of them physically. But I'm stubborn like my dad. Kind of frantic like my mom. But I'm also strong and determined like both of them.

Just some ff's about me:
Favorite color: Purple.
Favorite animal: Panther.
Favorite city: NYC
Favorite movie: Superstar or Grease
Favorite book: Harry Potter
Favorite author: James Patterson/Jodi Piccoult/Philippa Gregory
Favorite artists: James Morrison, Gavin Degraw, Jason Mraz, John Mayer
Favorite place to hangout: Grant Park in Chicago
Favorite food: Italian and Chinese
Favorite musical: Wicked
Favorite quality in a person: Humor
Favorite country: England
Favorite snack: peanut butter with chocolate chips with a glass of milk
Favorite TV show: True Blood is at the top of the list right now
Favorite place to shop: Forever 21
Favorite thing to do: Sing
Favorite time of year: Fall
Favorite date: Dinner and a movie on the couch
Favorite game: Mortal Kombat
Favorite female actor: Jennifer Aniston
Favorite male actor: Brad Pitt (coincidentally)
Favorite boy band: Nsync
Favorite favorite: favorite artists

Okay, so I can't think of anymore favorites. This post is epic haha. DAMNIT, I need to blog more. I say that at the end of every blog but seriously guys, I need to remember to do it. Hope you had fun reading this ridiculously long and time consuming piece of internet literature. Lata gatassss.

I'm a working girl now!

So. I finally got my first job...ever. People are always surprised when I say I've never worked anywhere before, not even babysit or anything. Well, I don't like children so babysitting was a no-go and all through high school I was at volleyball practice or rehearsals for shows or I had student government stuff or I had dance/piano/voice lessons. I literally had absolutely no time to work. Psh, and I should've been able to count my rehearsals as previous job experiences since I was in rehearsal more than most people were at their part-time jobs. But out of the good graces of their hearts, the people at Uncle Mike's Pub hired me when I had absolutely no experience at all. And guess what? I LOVE IT. I absolutely adore having a job; I love having money in my wallet that I earned. It's liberating and freeing in a way because my parents have always been the money train. And I love being a busgirl and a waitress because as a waitress I only make $3.25/hr but then I get tips (Oh, PS I love tips, screw you taxes). And then as a busgirl I make $7.25/hr plus I get tipped out from the waitresses and bartenders. It's just a win win because even if it's slow when I bus, I'm still getting paidddd. And I really like the people that work there. I mean, there are bartenders and waitresses who have been there almost since it opened yet they don't treat me like I'm super new. And everyone's really funny and nice.

The one downside: it's a bar, so everyone is smoking all the time which isn't good for my voice or my health in general for that matter. I come home smelling like smoke on busy nights and I hate that. Thank God the Smoking Ban is getting implemented in July, I don't know how long I can stand it. What I still don't get about people who go to bars is how they can just sit there...and drink...for HOURS. And I mean hours people. They just sit there and drink and watch whatever is on the 10 tv's we have in there oh, and try to score with the bartenders haha that's always fun to watch.

PS hottie mchothots work where I work, it is SUCH a plus. I've already met two extremely sexy AND straight AND older guys which I was deprived of when I was at school at a theatre conservatory :P I'm getting sick of boys who are my age who act like they're pre-teens. It's just so unattractive, get it together boys. If you're ever wondering why you're still single, that is probs the reason. Joking around all the time, being rude/crude 95% of the time, and reverting back to middle school tactics in getting a girl are just frowned upon in girl world. Take note. Girls love funny guys, well at least I do and most of the women I know do, but if that's all you are, then what's the point of being with you? There's no substance, you're just a big joke. So maybe this summer I might "dip my wick in company ink" because these MEN are top notch compared to the guys I've been with.

ANYWAY, this started off talking about how great it is to be in America's work force and ended up with me ranting about boys. But alas, that's usually how it is with me haha If I was a psychic I think I would predict that this summer will be phenom. It's nice out, I love my friends, I love my job, I have time to relax, I'm meetin some hotties. It's pretty successful so far. I just love summer. I love what it brings and what it brings out in people...I think it's the heat haha well, I'm out like shout. I gotta keep remembering I have a blog, I'll put a reminder in my phone. Peace n blessins, peace n blessins <3

I need to use lists more...

I usually get more shit done if I at least try to be organized.

Summer 2010 List of Things to Accomplish
-Learn how to juggle (I need to add more to my special skills)
-Learn how to play basic guitar because I've always wanted to.
-Maybe learn how to play bass too
-Read a decent amount of plays
-Read at least 20 books from the New York Times Bestseller List
-Try to workout at least 3 times a week
-Barely eat any fast food
-Stretch every day
-Learn how to sing/play a Sara Bareilles song
-Figure out what's wrong with my ipod
-Buy my dorm stuff not last minute
-Eat kind of healthier but don't diet (psh like I ever diet)
-Do a set of songs with me singing and my dad on the guitar
-Get tan (got ittt)
-Be able to do the splits by the time school starts
-Brush up on my Francais
-Add music to my rep binder and organize it
-Reconnect with some old friends
-Keep in touch with friends from school

Hopefully I'll get...half of this stuff done. I don't wanna shoot my expectations too high haha But at least I can't say I didn't give it a shot. I think the whole list is do-able, I'm just going to have to steal some self-discipline from somewhere to do it. Wish me luck. PS hopefully I'll write more, another thing I should add to the list: -Remember I have a blog :P Lata gatas


Summer has finally arrived in Wisconsin and I am lovin it.

So I'm a sophomore now..

I moved back home yesterday for the summer and it still hasn't hit me that I don't live in Chicago anymore. I think once I've unpacked (which is taking forever) I'll realize that I'm in my own room, not a dorm and my own bed, not a twin bed and I don't have a roommate and I can't just go walk down the hall to hangout in my friends' rooms. Those friends aren't here, or anywhere near here. I thought I would be way more emotional saying goodbye to people, but I wasn't. I found that odd because usually I'm an incredibly emotional person. I'm sure I'll become more aware of how long this break really is from people I used to see everyday as time goes on. It's weird to think that I'm going to be a sophomore in college. I feel like freshman year just started. During this first year, I've found out some things about myself, people, and life in general and I think that's the way it should be. If you're the same person from when you started college to when you finish, there's a problem. I've found that college isn't for everyone hopefully it doesn't take those people too long to realize it before they've wasted so much money on it. I just don't get how people can go to college and not think that there's going to be work. Showing up, being attentive, and actually turning things in are the minimum requirements for any school, some kids haven't been doing any of that. It's just such a waste of time and money. Main thing I learned: Performing Arts college is hard. People who don't go to one think that it's really easy, but the big picture is they don't have the talent or the drive to do it. It's just a different forte, same amount of work goes into it though and maybe even then some. I'm so proud of what I accomplished and discovered this year:
-Even though I'm an only child, I turned out to be a pretty good roommate. And I'm so grateful that mine kicked ass and I don't have any roommate horror stories.
-I'm more of a sit back and chill person than a party person. I don't get how university of wisconsin kids do it. I really just like hanging inside with cool people.
-I don't fit the musical theatre major stereotype and I don't want to. People are trying too hard to be overly obnoxious or really drama artsy. There is an in between and that's where I stand. Musical theatre majors can be normal people, there's just some out there who are ruining our rep.
-I want to be in a serious relationship. I just want to know what it's like. I'm not having this wishy washy kind of dating non-exclusive bouncing around crap anymore.
-I'm more organized than I thought. I thought I PROCRASTINATED, no no no, I've never met so many kids who wait till the last minute to do things. I felt so prepared this year.
-I don't try to be friends with everyone and I don't like people that do. You can't please everyone, no two people are alike and you just can't do it because someone's going to get hurt in the end. Not everyone has to like everyone, but people should have a common respect for one another. I don't need r023895023-8964-0312 billion friends.
-I need to build up the confidence to volunteer. I'm really confident when it comes to singing and I'm an okay dancer/mover. But I have no idea what I'm doing in acting; I don't have any training and feel incredibly behind yet my ignorance also allows me to not act like an ass hole know-it-all and I'm fine with that.
-Chicago is one of the most amazing cities on the planet. I can't believe I live there. Anytime I'm outside or look out a window I have to just stop and take it all in. It's phenomenal how much there is to do and see there. I'm in love with it.
-I feel like everyone should grow up and if they have an issue, talk about it. When has it ever worked to talk to everyone but the person you have a problem with or just ignoring it? Never. It's annoying that more people don't do that.
-I eat way too many pizza rolls (NOTE TO SELF-try not to buy any next year. HA, fat chance :P)
-I've been getting along better with guys than girls. Or maybe it's just girls in the conservatory because back home all my true friends are girls. It's just an interesting change.
-I've found some trustworthy people I can have "car talk" with.
-I love performing. I hate when I'm not in a show or not rehearsing. Even though I'm much more stressed, I feel like I'm accomplishing and learning so much more. Hopefully next year I'll have more opportunities to perform.

I've learned a lot; I've done a lot. I can't wait for next year. I'll miss my class and all my friends but I'm sure I'll have fun this summer so I'll be okay. I'll still keep blogging too when I have time/remember/have something to say. Have a great summer everyone :) lataaa.

Awkward...

So, personally, I think death is one of the most awkward things ever. I never know how to help/handle people who are dealing with death. Everyone grieves differently and I've been lucky enough to not experience anyone close to me dying. But two weeks ago, my grandpa was rushed to the hospital for an ulcer bursting. Now, this apparently has happened before and I just didn't know about it. But he's like 80 something now and I'm slowly starting to realize that he might not be here next year. And to top it off, my other grandpa was rushed to the hospital this week for kidney stones, he's still there, and my mom wants me to call his room. I just don't know what to say. It's just so weird not from not having to deal with death and then having it in the back of your mind constantly. We get old, and then we die whether it's peacefully or not. Everyone always tiptoes around the word death, or died, I don't think there's really a way to sugar coat the inevitable. But now all of these feelings about how I wish I was closer to my grandparents are filling my head and you think we would be close since it's not like they live in another state or 4+ hrs away, but I'm just not. So I'm wondering how I'm going to react once they do pass away. I know I'll probably feel guilt and regret because now it's too late to get to know them. Obviously, I love all my grandparents but I see my friends and how close they are with theirs and I don't have that kind of relationship with them. On top of that, my family's already small, on both sides. I'm really not close with any of my family which makes me angry and sad all at the same time. And now that I'm in college I barely have time to be close to them. Some family's have game nights and eat at each other's houses every sunday and mine just don't do that. My family's not loud, or nosy, or that lovable but I'm kind of indifferent about it. I don't know if I would like them more or less if they were the opposite. I think when one of my family members dies, its just going to be SO different and SO surreal the next time we're all together...because we won't all be together ever again. I don't want to think about death but I feel like I'm forced to. I've only been to one funeral and it was my great aunt's whom I never met before and it was an open casket and I was like 9 so do the math: I was traumatized. What other words are spoken at funerals other than "I'm sorry for your loss"? Awkward awkward awkward and more awkward. I don't want to find out how I react to death but I know I will eventually especially when your mom tells you to "be prepared." What does that even mean? How am I supposed to "be prepared" for someone who has been there since I was born (whether I was all chummy with them or not) to suddenly not be there ever again? Christmas...THAT will never be the same. My favorite time of year will turn into a time I spend realizing they're gone. I just don't know how to deal with that or how to prepare myself to deal with that. This has been on my mind all month, I needed to get it out. Hopefully my next post will be a bit more cheery.

More than Anyone

So, I haven't written a blog in an INCREDIBLY long time. And it's weird because there's been multiple occasions when I started writing a blog and I either lost my train of thought or got too lazy to finish it. But I'm determined to finish this one.

This blog is entitled "More Than Anyone." I'm referring to the song by Gavin Degraw. Now, anyone who really knows me knows that I'm 1) Obsessed with Gavin Degraw 2) Obsessed with this song in particular 3) Because I want it to be my wedding song if and when I ever get married. I'm kind of stealing the idea from the show "What I Like About You" but I don't care. Hopefully Gavin Degraw will be able to come and sing it while I walk down the aisle...or even better, maybe I'll just marry Gavin Degraw so I can hear it all the time. There's the story behind the title. But anyway, I've been thinking about this song frequently over this semester.

I'm writing a play for my Playwriting class called Match.hell and it centers around a woman who has been alone for so long and she's almost 30 so her friends make her a Match.com account and she goes on all of these horrific dates with a redneck, a lesbian, an old man, and a creeper. But the woman's been alone because her first husband died and she can't move on in her life because she doesn't believe she can love again. But don't worry she finds love in the end. After I wrote it, I've been thinking exactly why I wrote it.

The woman is based on me, but how I see myself in about 10 years. Now, I obviously don't want something tragic to happen to the person I love, that's not what I'm predicting but the whole not being able to find love theme is what I relate to. Personally, I believe I have a really negative outlook on love. I think that most people throw the word around like it's not a big deal. And I can't say that I've been in the presence of love that I wish I had. Most if not all the people around me who claim to be "in love" are having some problems. And I get that love isn't perfect blah blah blah all of that cliche mumbo jumbo but why isn't it? Love is supposed to be the most sacred and treasured thing. Yet people cheat, and lie, and abuse, and torment, and tease, and hurt the people they "love." And how dare someone come up with the concept of "you hurt the people you love the most." That's complete bullshit. I'm pretty sure the one goal you have when you love someone is to never hurt them or do as much as possible not to. Now, granted, I have never been in a relationship that has lasted more than 3 months, but basically every relationship I've seen has kind of crumbled to the ground or they take so much work that you wonder why they're even together. The obstacle holding my character back from loving again is the idea of her late husband and the love she still has for him. The obstacle holding me back from loving for the first time is the idea of love and all of the baggage and heartache that seems to come with it. Devoting yourself to one person, accepting all of their faults, allowing them to be a part of your life, it's just a lot to swallow.

Especially being at college, most of my classmates who were in relationships aren't anymore. These kids said they loved each other and look what happened? Their relationship fell apart. I just don't want that. I've seen people beat themselves up over why their relationships didn't work or their partner hurt them so badly that they don't know themselves without them. That's the problem. I don't want to lose who I am just because I'm with someone else. They shouldn't steal my identity or change me but I feel that's what always happens in serious relationships. I don't want to dedicate my life to someone else. I want to live MY life.

So as you can see I'm kind of torn. I think love is a really important concept but I don't want it to affect how I live my life. That's probably why I've never been in a serious relationship besides never being in the presence of a successful one or one that the kind I would want to have. Love is just so confusing to me. It really is one of the biggest mysteries. I feel like this blog was stemmed off of a bunch of things: people breaking up, people arguing, people acting really shady, and probably most of all me being envious of people who are in love. Love is tricky. And it's human nature to want what other people have. I'm only 18, I get it. But you can only be alone for so long. Bah humbug.

lata lovas

PS. If you've never heard the song, I suggest you download/buy it immediately or watch this video, which is him at Summerfest in Milwaukee, WI and I WAS THERE. Crossed one thing off my bucket list that night. So epic.



"I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone"