Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Hokay, so....I say "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" very frequently throughout my day instead of saying "Jesus Christ!" or "Oh my Gawddd." I don't know why, it's just fun to say. Sometimes I say it in Spanish (Jesus, Maria y Joseph) just to mix it up. But I said it today and it got me thinking about my relationship with religion. PS: It's a rocky one. If you ask what is my religion, I'll answer simply and say "I'm agnostic." Which basically means whatever I want it to mean. That's what I like about it. I don't have to submit myself or pledge my allegiance to or devote my life to some supreme power. I don't believe in "God". I don't believe in Heaven or Hell. I've never read the bible all the way through because I believe it was written by a total nut job. I believe in the Big Bang Theory and in Evolution. But then people say "so you're just an Athiest!" Which I am not. I don't believe that God created the world yet I do believe there's some force whether it be spiritual or karmic or SOMETHING that makes things pan out the way they do. I'm an agnostic because I refuse to put all my trust in "someone" (God, Allah, Buddah, whomever) who can let such horrible things happen in this world. Murder, rape, suicide, volcanoes, nuclear wars, natural disasters, diseases, etc. There's an amazing quote from the movie A Walk to Remember that hits it home for me when it comes to the topic of religion and/or belief in a God-

Jamie: Without suffering there would be no compassion.
Landon: Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer.

The whole idea of people "paying" for their sins just doesn't fly with me. People make mistakes. Who gave God the power to differentiate what is right and what is wrong? It's just such a slippery slope. In the movie John Q, it's about a guy who's insurance doesn't cover his son's heart transplant, so he takes this hospital hostage until they agree to do the transplant because otherwise his son will die. Was it right? Depends on who you ask and what they believe. Was it worth it? Most definitely. I just don't understand religion and it's influence on right and wrong. Every religion has it's own set of rules! What are you supposed to follow? Can you be half christian, half muslim, and half amish? But if you do that, aren't you sinning and betraying whatever Gods so they comdemn you to wherever they say you're going after you die? It's just all too much.

Also, it's complete bs in Catholicsm that you just go "Hey God, my bad for raping and murdering those two girls. It'll never happen again. Promise." and you're off the hook? No no no. That's fucked up. So you can sin, but as long as you say sorry, it's cool. Just the hypocrisy of it all. So wishy washy. I've actually read countless studies and most murderers are actually among the most religious people. Ironic much?

And don't get me started on baptisms/confirmations. According to Catholics, I'm going to Hell. (Haha, scratch that, probably according to every religion i'm going to their version of "Hell" just for the face I am an agnostic) I was never baptized and I never accepted Christ as my savior *BOO HOO*. I appreciate my parents for letting my choose my own belief systems instead of shoving my face into a basin of dirty tap water before I could even talk. How dare people think because they believe in some God that they think they have the power to condemn me. RUDE, SELF-RIGHTEOUS BASTARDS.

Now I'm not just bashing Catholicism, I just don't agree with religions period. In the Quaran, it's totally cool to stone a woman to death if she shows too much skin. WHAT THE FUCK. How could anyone thinks that's okay. But because someone incredibly sadistic and probably completely insane wrote the Quaran, they just decided to throw that in there. Okay, new tangent.

I'll be the first to admit that the only time I prayed when I was younger was to ask God to get me a new barbie or a new bike or the lates Gigapet (damn I miss those). That's what I thought he was for. I still think that's what God's for except I know I won't get those things and it's completely pointless to pray for anything. Just how people pray their whole lives to keep their families safe and healthy and then someone gets cancer. Hello God? Where were ya then? When people lose their jobs and are starving on the street, where'd God go? When Hurricane Katrina hit, why didn't God use his almighty power to push that hurricane the opposite way?

I'm just sick and tired of some people who think they're on this pedestal compared to me because they're religious and I'm not. And I mean, I guess they have that power over me because they know that I'm most definitely going to Hell? More room in Heaven for them I guess. I did the whole Christian camp thing when I was younger, where we went to mass, and read the bible, and prayed, and it's just not me. And that's fucking okay and I love that my beliefs are MINE and not ones that were forced upon me.

I get that this post is very controversial. Religion is a controversial subject, as most beliefs are. But they're my beliefs and take them as you will. It's nice to straighten things out, get my opinions all out there. But I dare you to say to my face that I'm headin straight to "hell in a hand basket" (as my grandma would say). Double dog dare you, actually ;)

WARNING: This post is extremely long but extremely informative

Here's 100 questions I found that can help get to know someone. I felt like getting to know myself a little better. And then I just added some fun facts about me at the end haha Enjoy :)

Personal Questions
1. How do you define honesty?
I define it as a amiable trait that depending on the situation should either be kept to one's self or said aloud. I'm not saying lying is the better choice but having a filter is also a good quality.
2. What is your biggest fear or worry?
Dying at a young age. This whole 2012 phenomenon is my biggest fear at the moment. I want to graduate, I want to live a long and happy life, I want to get the chance to and I'm terrified.
3. What is the main thing that makes you unique?
I think I'm very driven and no matter how hard people try to bring me down, I know what truly makes me happy and matters in my life.
4. If you had to evacuate your house immediately, what is the one thing you would grab on the way out?
The one framed picture of me, my mom, and my dad. It counts as the only legit family picture we've ever taken.
5. What facial expression or movement do you do when you are lying?
I have no idea.
6. What is the oldest item you own?
My blankey that I sleep with. I lost the original one (which was the one I was wrapped in when I was born) in a hotel bed when I was about 11 so I have a replacement but the spirit of it lives on. I usually can't sleep without it.
7. If someone was to give you one gift, money is no object, what would you want to receive?
An all expense paid trip around the world.
8. What does it mean to have courage?
To do what others think is impossible.
9. Do you like your name?
No. I think it's unique and all but it's a song by the band Steely Dan and I just blatantly don't like the song.
10. Do you have a nickname? What is it?
Yeah but I don't really know how to spell it. It's pretty hard to shorten "Aja" but people call me Ajsh? Maybe that's the spelling, if not, I don't know what is.
11. If you could have any special magic, what would it be?
I seriously want to be a witch like Hermoine Granger. Truth.
12. If you had three wishes, what would you wish?
1) I wish I was on Broadway 2) I wish I lived in New York 3) I wish I could find my true love
13. What is your greatest strength?
My singing ability.
14. What is your worst weakness?
Keeping things in until I eventually explode at everyone.
15. If you could predict the future, what would you do with that knowledge?
I would keep it to myself.
16. Is your favorite time the past, present or the future?
The present. I like to say "live in the now!" haha
17. Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
Ugh, if this 2012 thing is a hoax, I see myself in a Broadway show living in New York, still close to my best friends, married, and maybe JUST maybe having ONE child :P
18. Who is the one person that helped to make you who you are today?
My mom. Not only would I literally not be here without her, but she's impacted my life in the best ways.
19. If you were punished for a crime, what type of punishment would you choose?
I'm pretty sure I can't answer this because I'd need a crime to go off of.
20. Describe a time you got into trouble.
In 8th grade, the girls on the volleyball team wanted to dress up on a game day so we all wore dresses/skirts and I wore this super cute jean skort thing that didn't follow the whole "hands by your sides" rule yet it was by no means scandalously short (PS my arms are insanely long so I've never been able to wear shorts to school) and our Dean, Mrs. Loveleiss caught me and I had to go into her office and sign her stupid book and she gave me a warning. I had to call my mom to come bring me pants and she was even pissed off because I HAD SHORTS ON UNDERNEATH THEM and she told me "It's the principal of the thing, child." I wanted to say, "Hey, why don't you try disciplining instead of befriending all your homegirls instead of catching me on a technicality" but that would've been racist wouldn't it?
21. What do you do when you first wake up in the morning?
Take a shower.
22. What makes you a good person?
I work hard and try to do the right thing.
23. What would your obituary say?
Eek, I don't even want to think about that.
24. What is your greatest regret?
Growing apart from some of my closest and oldest friends.
25. How would you describe standing on a beach looking at the ocean?
I don't really know how to further describe it. I mean, it would be nice. I'm more of a city girl.
26. What is your favorite outfit to wear?
I don't have a favorite. I wear all my clothes because I like them, hence why I bought them.
27. What do you do when you are driving alone in a car?
Sing loud and proud.

Love and Friendship Questions
28. If a friend is being bullied or harassed by someone, what do you do?
Defend them obviously.
29. Reflect on the characteristics of your best friend. What makes him or her so special?
Well, I have this idea that each of my best friends have special characteristics and if we put them all together we could make this super strong willed, accepting, self-confident, open, determined, perfect woman.
30. Has anyone close to you passed away?
No.
31. Describe a time you fell in love.
Can't say I have yet.
32. Can you keep secrets? Describe a time you didn't.
I can. In middle school I could not, I'll admit it.
33. How do you show your love for others?
I try to be there for them when they need someone.
34. What is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
For my 16th birthday, my friend Laura threw me a party at a Park and all my friends came and we had a water balloon fight and it was just really fun. I like when people plan stuff for my birthday because if I did I would just sit at home haha.
35. If you could become anyone's friend that you want, who would you choose?
I'd want to be Idina Menzel's friend because she's my idol and I could probably sit and listen to her forever talk about her experiences as a performer.
36. Are you the type of person with lots of friends or just a few close ones?
A few close ones.
37. What is one quality you admire most in others?
To not care what other people think.
38. Do you prefer to be with those who are younger or older than you are?
Older.
39. If you could ask me one question, and I had to answer you truthfully, what would you want to know?
Who am I talking to? haha Have you ever killed anyone? I think that's a solid question.
40. What is the meanest thing you have ever done to someone?
I sort of kind of helped create this club of people that didn't like this one girl, in my defense, it had a lot of people in it so she obviously wasn't the poster child for nice. It was pre-mean girls and I know it was wrong and I regret it and I'm very sorry.
41. Who is one friend from your past you want to reconnect with?
My old best friend Alyssa.
42. When did you kiss for the first time and what was it like?
Ok well I kissed my first boy in preschool so I won't count that. I'll count the one that I truly count as a first kiss because I actually knew that that's what it was because it was so stereotypically awkward at first but it was sweet. That was in 7th grade.
43. Describe an activity that you think is truly romantic.
Truly romantic...hm...dinner at a nice restaurant and then just walking around (preferably somewhere with some pretty sights to see) and talking.
44. If you were to write a love note to your sweetheart, what would it say?
I love you? I don't know, I don't have a sweetheart at the moment.
45. When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help?
My mom or my friends.
46. Who are the people you love the most?
My parents and my close friends.

Worldly Questions
47. If you could speak any language, what would it be and why?
French. I studied in middle school and high school. It's just so fluid and sexy.
48. If you had to pick one place in your town to bring a tourist, where would you go?
Downtown by the lake. I think it's the only pretty place in Kenosha.
49. What is the one cause that you feel most passionate about?
Supporting our troops.
50. If you lived in the pioneer days, would you have traveled west or stayed put in the east?
Stayed in the east.
51. Which is your favorite non-profit organization? What do you do to help them?
Any non-profit arts organization I support. I support it everyday by being involved in the arts and encouraging others to do so.
52. If you could travel to space, would you go?
No.
53. If you could move anywhere, where would you go and why?
New York or London. They're just amazing in two completely different ways. New York is the epicenter of theatre and entertainment and London is the epicenter of the best parts of world history.
54. Would you want to travel the world on a boat in the sea?
I don't know, I've never been on a boat very long. Who knows if I would get sea sick.
55. When you travel away from home, do you miss it?
Not usually.
56. What is the greatest crisis we face as a world?
Everyone trying to conquer everyone. I know that world peace is not an option and if you think it is, sorry to say, but you're delusional. I blame religion and greed.
57. Describe your favorite vacation.
I traveled to 7 countries in Europe. England, France, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, Lichenstein, and Germany. I love Europe. There's just so much history there because it was established long before America was. The architecture's absolutely beautiful everywhere you go and it was fun to just be thrown into a completely different culture.
58. If you could write your own bill of rights, what would you include?
I think our bill of rights is just fine. There's just people occupying the White House right now that seems to think it's okay to change the whole platform our country was based on and take some of those away.
59. What is going on today in the world that affects you the most?
Although many of Obama's supporters were college students, I was not one of them. And many who dosupport him do not realize that this rising debt we keep obtaining is not really going to effect our parents' generation, it's going to
effect ours. We're going to be broke. Has the stimulus plan worked? No. Has he increased jobs? No. Has the debt gone down? No. Along with the rest of America, the idolized Barack Obama has our fates in his hands and until he's out of office, I think we're heading for "hell in a hand basket" as my grandma would say. But that's what we get for electing a "community organizer" who accomplished nothing significant politically while he was in the senate for less than 2 years, as a president isn't it?

Health Questions
60. What bad habit would you be willing to give up if it guaranteed you would live to be 100?
Not working out haha
61. What is your favorite thing to eat?
Chalupas from taco bell or any kind of pasta.
62. What is one food that you will not eat?
Oysters.
63. What is your favorite way to exercise?
I don't like to exercise at all haha I think it's all torture. But if I had to pick, it'd be to dance.
64. If you had to choose to be blind or deaf, which one would you pick?
Blind, then I could still listen to music.
65. Have you ever been to a hospital? Why?
I've never been to the hospital for an emergency but for routine check ups and x-rays and when I had mono and strep.
66. If you could have someone else's face, whom would you choose?
I like my face just fine thanks.
67. Describe a vivid dream you have had.
I can only remember my dreams for a day and then they disappear forever from my memory.
68. What physical feature do you least like about yourself?
My nose.
69. Would you want to know the exact day of your death?
God no.

Work and Career Questions
70. If you had to pick one hero, who would it be?
My mom.
71. If you could pick one thing to change about your school or job, what would it be?
I wish some of my teachers would act more like professionals then buddies to some students.
72. What are most proud of?
I'm proud that I've actually figured out what I want to do with my life and I'm brave enough to go after my dream.
73. Are you the kind of person who wants to be the big fish in a little pond or the little fish in the big pond?
I want to be a big fish in a big pond.
74. Describe a time when you wanted to quit, but didn't.
There were many assignments/projects I wanted to half ass in school but I'd pull all nighters and finished them to the best of my ability. But boy did I just want to quit.
75. Mention one goal. When you hope to accomplish it?
Be in a show on Broadway. I don't care when, I just need to accomplish it.
76. Is competition good for you?
Yes, but I feel like it brings out a bad side in me.
77. If you could study anything you wanted in school, what would you want to learn more about?
I'd want to learn more about history as to see what we could do differently instead of making the same mistakes.
78. What is something you learned in school that you think is useless to you today? "Salir" in Spanish means "To go or to leave." I shouldn't have taken Spanish in 7th grade because I was pressured into it being told that it seems to be the more "practical" language. No language should be more practical in America than English because that's what we speak here. Get my drift?
79. When someone fails at something, what should he or she do?
Try again if it means that much to them.
80. If you could pick any career, what would you want to be?
I did pick it. I want to be a performer.
81. Do you want to be famous?
Famous, maybe. Successful, yes.

Entertainment Questions
82. If you could become a character in a TV show or movie, who would you choose to be?
Sookie in True Blood.
83. What is your favorite outside activity?
Sand volleyball.
84. What is your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it?
Christmas. I celebrate it at my grandma's house on Christmas Eve, my house Christmas Day, and a week later at my Nana and Bapa's.
85. What is your favorite sport? Do you play or just watch?
Volleyball. I used to play.
86. Have you been on a roller coaster? What did it feel like?
Of course I have. I love roller coasters even though I'm usually scared when I'm on them.
87. If you had to spend a day not using any technology, what would you do?
I think I'd do okay. I like to read so that helps.
88. Describe the perfect party.
Nothing gets broken and there's no fights.
89. What is your favorite type of art?
Anything involving music.
90. What sport do you think you are the best at?
The only sport I think I'm remotely good at is volleyball.
91. Do you play an instrument?
I used to play cello and piano.
92. Which is your favorite song?
"More than Anyone" by Gavin Degraw
93. If you could be a cartoon character, who would you want to be?
Patty Mayonnaise from Doug.
94. Do you know any jokes? If so, tell me one.
There once was a man with a wooden leg named Smith. Well what's the name of his other leg? Ha, got that from Mary Poppins.
95. What is the one thing that makes you laugh the hardest?
I laugh all the time but funny faces usually do it.

Family Questions
96. What makes your family unique from others?
We may not be big, but we're strong.
97. When you think back to your childhood, what was the hardest part about being a kid?
Always being told I was only a kid.
98. What are some of your family's traditions?
When we eat dinner we always sit at the same spot at the table. We always watch Christmas Vacation at my grandma's house on Christmas eve and play the grab gift game. My parents always get my flowers for my shows that have a little note of encouragement on them. We only make banana bread from this old recipe my mom has. We probably do more that I just haven't noticed.
99. Do you know how you got your name?
Yep. At the time, the song "Aja" by Steely Dan was my parents favorite so that's what they named me.
100. Are you like your parents or different? How?
Well I'm a complete mixture of both of them physically. But I'm stubborn like my dad. Kind of frantic like my mom. But I'm also strong and determined like both of them.

Just some ff's about me:
Favorite color: Purple.
Favorite animal: Panther.
Favorite city: NYC
Favorite movie: Superstar or Grease
Favorite book: Harry Potter
Favorite author: James Patterson/Jodi Piccoult/Philippa Gregory
Favorite artists: James Morrison, Gavin Degraw, Jason Mraz, John Mayer
Favorite place to hangout: Grant Park in Chicago
Favorite food: Italian and Chinese
Favorite musical: Wicked
Favorite quality in a person: Humor
Favorite country: England
Favorite snack: peanut butter with chocolate chips with a glass of milk
Favorite TV show: True Blood is at the top of the list right now
Favorite place to shop: Forever 21
Favorite thing to do: Sing
Favorite time of year: Fall
Favorite date: Dinner and a movie on the couch
Favorite game: Mortal Kombat
Favorite female actor: Jennifer Aniston
Favorite male actor: Brad Pitt (coincidentally)
Favorite boy band: Nsync
Favorite favorite: favorite artists

Okay, so I can't think of anymore favorites. This post is epic haha. DAMNIT, I need to blog more. I say that at the end of every blog but seriously guys, I need to remember to do it. Hope you had fun reading this ridiculously long and time consuming piece of internet literature. Lata gatassss.

I'm a working girl now!

So. I finally got my first job...ever. People are always surprised when I say I've never worked anywhere before, not even babysit or anything. Well, I don't like children so babysitting was a no-go and all through high school I was at volleyball practice or rehearsals for shows or I had student government stuff or I had dance/piano/voice lessons. I literally had absolutely no time to work. Psh, and I should've been able to count my rehearsals as previous job experiences since I was in rehearsal more than most people were at their part-time jobs. But out of the good graces of their hearts, the people at Uncle Mike's Pub hired me when I had absolutely no experience at all. And guess what? I LOVE IT. I absolutely adore having a job; I love having money in my wallet that I earned. It's liberating and freeing in a way because my parents have always been the money train. And I love being a busgirl and a waitress because as a waitress I only make $3.25/hr but then I get tips (Oh, PS I love tips, screw you taxes). And then as a busgirl I make $7.25/hr plus I get tipped out from the waitresses and bartenders. It's just a win win because even if it's slow when I bus, I'm still getting paidddd. And I really like the people that work there. I mean, there are bartenders and waitresses who have been there almost since it opened yet they don't treat me like I'm super new. And everyone's really funny and nice.

The one downside: it's a bar, so everyone is smoking all the time which isn't good for my voice or my health in general for that matter. I come home smelling like smoke on busy nights and I hate that. Thank God the Smoking Ban is getting implemented in July, I don't know how long I can stand it. What I still don't get about people who go to bars is how they can just sit there...and drink...for HOURS. And I mean hours people. They just sit there and drink and watch whatever is on the 10 tv's we have in there oh, and try to score with the bartenders haha that's always fun to watch.

PS hottie mchothots work where I work, it is SUCH a plus. I've already met two extremely sexy AND straight AND older guys which I was deprived of when I was at school at a theatre conservatory :P I'm getting sick of boys who are my age who act like they're pre-teens. It's just so unattractive, get it together boys. If you're ever wondering why you're still single, that is probs the reason. Joking around all the time, being rude/crude 95% of the time, and reverting back to middle school tactics in getting a girl are just frowned upon in girl world. Take note. Girls love funny guys, well at least I do and most of the women I know do, but if that's all you are, then what's the point of being with you? There's no substance, you're just a big joke. So maybe this summer I might "dip my wick in company ink" because these MEN are top notch compared to the guys I've been with.

ANYWAY, this started off talking about how great it is to be in America's work force and ended up with me ranting about boys. But alas, that's usually how it is with me haha If I was a psychic I think I would predict that this summer will be phenom. It's nice out, I love my friends, I love my job, I have time to relax, I'm meetin some hotties. It's pretty successful so far. I just love summer. I love what it brings and what it brings out in people...I think it's the heat haha well, I'm out like shout. I gotta keep remembering I have a blog, I'll put a reminder in my phone. Peace n blessins, peace n blessins <3

I need to use lists more...

I usually get more shit done if I at least try to be organized.

Summer 2010 List of Things to Accomplish
-Learn how to juggle (I need to add more to my special skills)
-Learn how to play basic guitar because I've always wanted to.
-Maybe learn how to play bass too
-Read a decent amount of plays
-Read at least 20 books from the New York Times Bestseller List
-Try to workout at least 3 times a week
-Barely eat any fast food
-Stretch every day
-Learn how to sing/play a Sara Bareilles song
-Figure out what's wrong with my ipod
-Buy my dorm stuff not last minute
-Eat kind of healthier but don't diet (psh like I ever diet)
-Do a set of songs with me singing and my dad on the guitar
-Get tan (got ittt)
-Be able to do the splits by the time school starts
-Brush up on my Francais
-Add music to my rep binder and organize it
-Reconnect with some old friends
-Keep in touch with friends from school

Hopefully I'll get...half of this stuff done. I don't wanna shoot my expectations too high haha But at least I can't say I didn't give it a shot. I think the whole list is do-able, I'm just going to have to steal some self-discipline from somewhere to do it. Wish me luck. PS hopefully I'll write more, another thing I should add to the list: -Remember I have a blog :P Lata gatas


Summer has finally arrived in Wisconsin and I am lovin it.

So I'm a sophomore now..

I moved back home yesterday for the summer and it still hasn't hit me that I don't live in Chicago anymore. I think once I've unpacked (which is taking forever) I'll realize that I'm in my own room, not a dorm and my own bed, not a twin bed and I don't have a roommate and I can't just go walk down the hall to hangout in my friends' rooms. Those friends aren't here, or anywhere near here. I thought I would be way more emotional saying goodbye to people, but I wasn't. I found that odd because usually I'm an incredibly emotional person. I'm sure I'll become more aware of how long this break really is from people I used to see everyday as time goes on. It's weird to think that I'm going to be a sophomore in college. I feel like freshman year just started. During this first year, I've found out some things about myself, people, and life in general and I think that's the way it should be. If you're the same person from when you started college to when you finish, there's a problem. I've found that college isn't for everyone hopefully it doesn't take those people too long to realize it before they've wasted so much money on it. I just don't get how people can go to college and not think that there's going to be work. Showing up, being attentive, and actually turning things in are the minimum requirements for any school, some kids haven't been doing any of that. It's just such a waste of time and money. Main thing I learned: Performing Arts college is hard. People who don't go to one think that it's really easy, but the big picture is they don't have the talent or the drive to do it. It's just a different forte, same amount of work goes into it though and maybe even then some. I'm so proud of what I accomplished and discovered this year:
-Even though I'm an only child, I turned out to be a pretty good roommate. And I'm so grateful that mine kicked ass and I don't have any roommate horror stories.
-I'm more of a sit back and chill person than a party person. I don't get how university of wisconsin kids do it. I really just like hanging inside with cool people.
-I don't fit the musical theatre major stereotype and I don't want to. People are trying too hard to be overly obnoxious or really drama artsy. There is an in between and that's where I stand. Musical theatre majors can be normal people, there's just some out there who are ruining our rep.
-I want to be in a serious relationship. I just want to know what it's like. I'm not having this wishy washy kind of dating non-exclusive bouncing around crap anymore.
-I'm more organized than I thought. I thought I PROCRASTINATED, no no no, I've never met so many kids who wait till the last minute to do things. I felt so prepared this year.
-I don't try to be friends with everyone and I don't like people that do. You can't please everyone, no two people are alike and you just can't do it because someone's going to get hurt in the end. Not everyone has to like everyone, but people should have a common respect for one another. I don't need r023895023-8964-0312 billion friends.
-I need to build up the confidence to volunteer. I'm really confident when it comes to singing and I'm an okay dancer/mover. But I have no idea what I'm doing in acting; I don't have any training and feel incredibly behind yet my ignorance also allows me to not act like an ass hole know-it-all and I'm fine with that.
-Chicago is one of the most amazing cities on the planet. I can't believe I live there. Anytime I'm outside or look out a window I have to just stop and take it all in. It's phenomenal how much there is to do and see there. I'm in love with it.
-I feel like everyone should grow up and if they have an issue, talk about it. When has it ever worked to talk to everyone but the person you have a problem with or just ignoring it? Never. It's annoying that more people don't do that.
-I eat way too many pizza rolls (NOTE TO SELF-try not to buy any next year. HA, fat chance :P)
-I've been getting along better with guys than girls. Or maybe it's just girls in the conservatory because back home all my true friends are girls. It's just an interesting change.
-I've found some trustworthy people I can have "car talk" with.
-I love performing. I hate when I'm not in a show or not rehearsing. Even though I'm much more stressed, I feel like I'm accomplishing and learning so much more. Hopefully next year I'll have more opportunities to perform.

I've learned a lot; I've done a lot. I can't wait for next year. I'll miss my class and all my friends but I'm sure I'll have fun this summer so I'll be okay. I'll still keep blogging too when I have time/remember/have something to say. Have a great summer everyone :) lataaa.

Awkward...

So, personally, I think death is one of the most awkward things ever. I never know how to help/handle people who are dealing with death. Everyone grieves differently and I've been lucky enough to not experience anyone close to me dying. But two weeks ago, my grandpa was rushed to the hospital for an ulcer bursting. Now, this apparently has happened before and I just didn't know about it. But he's like 80 something now and I'm slowly starting to realize that he might not be here next year. And to top it off, my other grandpa was rushed to the hospital this week for kidney stones, he's still there, and my mom wants me to call his room. I just don't know what to say. It's just so weird not from not having to deal with death and then having it in the back of your mind constantly. We get old, and then we die whether it's peacefully or not. Everyone always tiptoes around the word death, or died, I don't think there's really a way to sugar coat the inevitable. But now all of these feelings about how I wish I was closer to my grandparents are filling my head and you think we would be close since it's not like they live in another state or 4+ hrs away, but I'm just not. So I'm wondering how I'm going to react once they do pass away. I know I'll probably feel guilt and regret because now it's too late to get to know them. Obviously, I love all my grandparents but I see my friends and how close they are with theirs and I don't have that kind of relationship with them. On top of that, my family's already small, on both sides. I'm really not close with any of my family which makes me angry and sad all at the same time. And now that I'm in college I barely have time to be close to them. Some family's have game nights and eat at each other's houses every sunday and mine just don't do that. My family's not loud, or nosy, or that lovable but I'm kind of indifferent about it. I don't know if I would like them more or less if they were the opposite. I think when one of my family members dies, its just going to be SO different and SO surreal the next time we're all together...because we won't all be together ever again. I don't want to think about death but I feel like I'm forced to. I've only been to one funeral and it was my great aunt's whom I never met before and it was an open casket and I was like 9 so do the math: I was traumatized. What other words are spoken at funerals other than "I'm sorry for your loss"? Awkward awkward awkward and more awkward. I don't want to find out how I react to death but I know I will eventually especially when your mom tells you to "be prepared." What does that even mean? How am I supposed to "be prepared" for someone who has been there since I was born (whether I was all chummy with them or not) to suddenly not be there ever again? Christmas...THAT will never be the same. My favorite time of year will turn into a time I spend realizing they're gone. I just don't know how to deal with that or how to prepare myself to deal with that. This has been on my mind all month, I needed to get it out. Hopefully my next post will be a bit more cheery.

More than Anyone

So, I haven't written a blog in an INCREDIBLY long time. And it's weird because there's been multiple occasions when I started writing a blog and I either lost my train of thought or got too lazy to finish it. But I'm determined to finish this one.

This blog is entitled "More Than Anyone." I'm referring to the song by Gavin Degraw. Now, anyone who really knows me knows that I'm 1) Obsessed with Gavin Degraw 2) Obsessed with this song in particular 3) Because I want it to be my wedding song if and when I ever get married. I'm kind of stealing the idea from the show "What I Like About You" but I don't care. Hopefully Gavin Degraw will be able to come and sing it while I walk down the aisle...or even better, maybe I'll just marry Gavin Degraw so I can hear it all the time. There's the story behind the title. But anyway, I've been thinking about this song frequently over this semester.

I'm writing a play for my Playwriting class called Match.hell and it centers around a woman who has been alone for so long and she's almost 30 so her friends make her a Match.com account and she goes on all of these horrific dates with a redneck, a lesbian, an old man, and a creeper. But the woman's been alone because her first husband died and she can't move on in her life because she doesn't believe she can love again. But don't worry she finds love in the end. After I wrote it, I've been thinking exactly why I wrote it.

The woman is based on me, but how I see myself in about 10 years. Now, I obviously don't want something tragic to happen to the person I love, that's not what I'm predicting but the whole not being able to find love theme is what I relate to. Personally, I believe I have a really negative outlook on love. I think that most people throw the word around like it's not a big deal. And I can't say that I've been in the presence of love that I wish I had. Most if not all the people around me who claim to be "in love" are having some problems. And I get that love isn't perfect blah blah blah all of that cliche mumbo jumbo but why isn't it? Love is supposed to be the most sacred and treasured thing. Yet people cheat, and lie, and abuse, and torment, and tease, and hurt the people they "love." And how dare someone come up with the concept of "you hurt the people you love the most." That's complete bullshit. I'm pretty sure the one goal you have when you love someone is to never hurt them or do as much as possible not to. Now, granted, I have never been in a relationship that has lasted more than 3 months, but basically every relationship I've seen has kind of crumbled to the ground or they take so much work that you wonder why they're even together. The obstacle holding my character back from loving again is the idea of her late husband and the love she still has for him. The obstacle holding me back from loving for the first time is the idea of love and all of the baggage and heartache that seems to come with it. Devoting yourself to one person, accepting all of their faults, allowing them to be a part of your life, it's just a lot to swallow.

Especially being at college, most of my classmates who were in relationships aren't anymore. These kids said they loved each other and look what happened? Their relationship fell apart. I just don't want that. I've seen people beat themselves up over why their relationships didn't work or their partner hurt them so badly that they don't know themselves without them. That's the problem. I don't want to lose who I am just because I'm with someone else. They shouldn't steal my identity or change me but I feel that's what always happens in serious relationships. I don't want to dedicate my life to someone else. I want to live MY life.

So as you can see I'm kind of torn. I think love is a really important concept but I don't want it to affect how I live my life. That's probably why I've never been in a serious relationship besides never being in the presence of a successful one or one that the kind I would want to have. Love is just so confusing to me. It really is one of the biggest mysteries. I feel like this blog was stemmed off of a bunch of things: people breaking up, people arguing, people acting really shady, and probably most of all me being envious of people who are in love. Love is tricky. And it's human nature to want what other people have. I'm only 18, I get it. But you can only be alone for so long. Bah humbug.

lata lovas

PS. If you've never heard the song, I suggest you download/buy it immediately or watch this video, which is him at Summerfest in Milwaukee, WI and I WAS THERE. Crossed one thing off my bucket list that night. So epic.



"I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone"

Insomniac much?

So, it's 3:30ish am and I'm still awake and I'm running on like 5 hours of sleep, but I'm not tired. I physically cannot go to sleep. I don't get the issue. I wish I could go to sleep since I have a voice lesson in t-minus 6 hours. I wish I could just go to sleep right now and have a supa awesome dream. I haven't been able to remember a dream in a while. I've been having a lot of those dreams where you like jolt yourself awake and I always wonder what the fuck was goin on that I had to wake up like someone taser-ed me. Hopefully I can remember one and I can write a whole pointless blog about it haha

Anyway, so I just finished this one midterm paper and it's 22 pages. 22 pages? I never would have thought that I could spew nonsense onto 22 pages, but I did it :) The problem is, why did I just do that? I basically said the exact same thing over and over. I just do not get why teacher's assign things that are so completely pointless and this could easily have been like an 8 page paper. I get that repetition is a recall device but when I am repeating what I think it is getting me no where. I thought it the first time and the second time and the third time and oh look, I'm still thinking it BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF IT. Reiterating things just irritates me when I'm spending hours upon hours doing something that I gained little knowledge from. PLUS I'm a musical theatre major, not a composition major, so...what's the problem? Give me a song, a monologue, and a dance class and I'm set. Just let me be. Don't burden me papers I'm never going to think twice about after I turn it in. Okay, rant done. Onto the next one? Just kidding, kind of.

I noticed something today, I'm always humming and/or singing. And I mean ALWAYS. That must get pretty annoying to people around me. I mean, I probably should have realized it a bit earlier but today I was in the elevator at school and this kid was in there and I hummed like 4 notes and I look over and he's rolling his eyes. My first thought: RUDE, my second though: my bad... Sometimes I'm just not aware of how loud I am probably and I literally just do it as a habit. I understand that I like to sing but maybe some people just aren't in the mood to hear it. Lesson learned today=shut up sometimes ha.

I feel like I'm trying to find excuses to blog. I never know what is the proper reason to just start to write a blog. I think this is like my outlet. I rarely ever just talk about shit that's going on in my life, I'm not that kinda gal. And it's weird because I'm emotional, but not around people. I just don't like to go to people with stuff I think is serious because then it becomes their problem and I don't want to drag anyone into anything. Blah, but I'm havin a rough go right now. I'm so happy it's been sunny because I NEED the sun to be in a good mood it seems like. I overthink everything that is going on in my life and I just get SO emotionally drained but then I look out the window or walk outside and see the sun. So that's been real nice. It just helps to relieve some stress and get stuff out there by letting it go via the interweb, ya know? Ha that sounds so sad.

Ok, I'm almost done. You know what I love? Other than riffing, is hanging out with totally chill people. I just like laughing with supa fly kids. And I've met some pretty cool ones this semester. This semester is so different from last semester, but not in a good or bad way, just way different. Last semester was all about getting to know everyone and trying to find people you click with and basically was a free for all for everyone in our class to hook up haha. But now it's just hangin out and laughing and I'm lovinnnnn it. Yeah, sitting in english 102 sucks, and writing playwriting midterms blow, and even getting up for class seems hard, but this semester (although more stressed) I feel more relaxed in a way? If that makes sense? Maybe the atmosphere just feels more relaxed now that we know each other and we're not all uppity about everything. I'm almost done with my freshman year in college. Where the fuck did the year go? That's what I'm sayin. I literally felt like I started school yesterday. Still don't know what my summer plans are which is freakin me out but I'll figure it out eventually...hopefully. Today's just been a refreshing and eye-opening day so that's my excuse for the blog. I'll try to stick with this better because I really like blogging for some odd reason. Well, peace up A-town down HA I remember when that was sooo in.

KBYE :)

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Yeah, where you at? I've been reading Cosmo and Seventeen mags since I've been home and every women's magazine always has those quizzes "is he the right guy for you?" "do you have anything in common?" "what's your perfect man like?" so I thought it'd be fun to try to pinpoint my "perfect" man, whatever that is. Warning: I'm extremely picky, even though I don't really think I am...

AJA IS SEEKING A MAN WHO...

-is easy on the eyes if ya know what i'm sayin
-can sing or can play an instrument (piano or guitar are preferred, sorry tuba and oboe players)
-i can't cook, which means, someone has to...
-doesn't need to be athletic, I'm okay with him being a lazy bum if he looks good with his shirt off (superficial blah blah every girl has that in the back of her mind when finding a man, believe me)
-doesn't mind that I eat more than him, because most likely, I can and will :)
-can hold an intellectual conversation; doesn't say "like" every other word
-is NOT corny. lame pick up lines and shmoozy overly-romantic "things you only see in the movies" do not appeal to me at all
-does not take longer than I do to get ready, guys look better without hair gel, just a little ff (fun fact)
-doesn't think musical theatre is just a hobby, I need supportive people in my life
-does not use exclamation marks! in texts, I don't know why, but it really creeps me out
-has some love for cats, I mean, the panther is my favorite animal and I have two cats at home so deal with it
-can talk to me, guys always say "ugh I never know what girls are thinking." It definitely goes both ways. I've heard I'm easy to talk to so let it rip, I'm all ears
-CAN MAKE ME LAUGH (now people who know me know that I laugh at everything) but here's the trick, you have to be able to make me laugh but know how to be serious sometimes. I cannot stand guys who turn EVERYTHING into a joke
-isn't a drone that doesn't listen to music (but if you listen to ALL music I don't like...we might have a problem :/ )
-has green eyes and brown hair and a lightning scar on his forehead...whoops, this isn't Hogwarts? But seriously, I don't have a preference on eye or hair color. What am I, a nazi?
-does not judge me, my whole career will be based on people judging everything about me, so I'd like to have one person who likes me for who I truly am if that's not too much to ask
-is close with his family, so I can be too :) since the names of people in my family could fit on the top of a pin
-likes to lay around and watch movies, being comfy is my favorite past time
-has a plan in life, even if that plan is "i don't know what my plan is yet"
-DOES NOT cheat, or likes cheating, or even thinks of cheating, because I don't forgive anyone
-and last but not least, my perfect man is someone who will show me new things. He can't act like he knows everything, because he doesn't and neither do I but we can start to know new things together. That's always fun.


Well...I hope that narrows it down? I know I'm probably forgetting a few things. When people first think of their "perfect" mate, they usually answer with the gushy response of, "i just want someone who loves me" *in a whiny voice* But when you truly think about it, a list of specifics comes to mind on top of just wanting someone to love you. Hopefully this list will help me keep an eye out for perfect men running all around Chicago. Girls are on the prowl just as much as guys. I have been "Perfectly Lonely" as John Mayer would say for awhile now. It's time to buckle down and find someone and by someone I don't mean my groom to be. I just need someone, ya know? You can only be independent for so long. I'll letcha know if I have any luck. But if anyone's wondering if I could compare my list to an actual live person...it would have to be:
Ryan Reynolds

So if any guy who sees this is looking for a point of reference...there he is ;)

Lata gatas.

All Grown Up

So I have some time before class so I thought I'd write a little diddy in here. This weekend was incredibly exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I accomplished a bunch of firsts. First time being in St. Louis MO, first time taking the amtrak train, first time calling a car service to pick me up, first time checking into a hotel, first time checking out of a hotel, first time printing my boarding pass, first time getting through airport security, first time flying in a plane and granted, this was all by myself. I have never done any of those things completely alone with no parent supervision. I have always either had someone do it for me or I'd be with someone. It was eye opening to know how much I can actually do by myself. I felt extremely organized too (I NEVER feel like that). I had everything printed out ahead of time and I timed it so I wouldn't be waiting around for a car and I kept everything in a nice folder and it was just refreshing to not be rushing. Except I almost missed my amtrak train, but that was the only bump in my weekend. I went out there for Midwest auditions (for summer musical jobs) and I ended up getting 6 callbacks to 6 different theatres. I thought that was pretty fantastic for it being my first time auditioning and for only being a freshman. I really want to work this summer and I wanted to do well, and I did. I guess positive thinking does work. The scary part of the weekend was taking cars/taxis to everywhere I went. It's just kind of frightening to know that you're putting all of your trust into this random (and sometimes super creepy) driver. So basically, I'm putting my life into a stranger's hands. I always just have mini panic attacks when I get into those kind of situations silently praying, "please just take me to where I need to go instead of driving to a deserted alley or something." I think watching scary movies and law and order SVU does not help my paranoia. Other than that, it was a kickass weekend. I am hopeful that I'll get some job offers and I'll be able to do what I love all summer long and get paiddddd. I am just crazy proud of myself and I thought I'd let the whole blogger.com network know. Even though we all know that Derek Herman is the only one that actually reads my blog :P Well, lata alligatas.

Valentine Shmalentine.

So, it was Valentine's Day, and surprisingly, my day did not turn out that bad. Although I did not share it with that one special person, I shared it with a bunch of special people. I performed with my class as a whole for the last time today in our showcase. I received flowers, candy, and other various things from my parents. I got valentine's from friends. And I saw closing night of the touring cast of August: Osage County in Chicago and it was PHENOMENAL. I've never been so excited to see a show and I've never had my mind blown like that. It was just all around fantastic, it was crazy. I can't even describe how I was feeling at the beginning, middle, and end because the play just evoked so many different emotions and there were huge bombs dropped that I wasn't expecting. Just, wow. And then I came back to the dorm and watched my favorite movie: Superstar while eating my favorite snack: nutella and pretzels with milk. To sum it up, it was a pretty fab day. I found myself saying, "I hate Valentine's Day," and I realized that it's not true. I think the only reason people say that is because we're all jealous of couples out celebrating their togetherness when we're sitting here, chocolate-less and alone. I hope soon to find that special someone that I can plan a whole romantic day with. I mean, people call it a Hallmark holiday, but seriously, who doesn't like getting gifts? If they were gettin something I don't think they'd be complaining. Oh well, maybe next year. I have enough chocolate/candy right now to feed a third world country so I'm going to quit whining about it. I'm so full. Too full to type anymore haha. But PS, Go me, I've kept up with my blog all week :) Anyway, I'm gonna make like a tree and...branch? I don't get that saying, bye.

So grateful.

I can't even describe how grateful I am to be blessed with such an amazing roommate my first year of college. I heard horror stories before I came to school from people I know who absolutely abhorred their roommates. And even after first semester, people in my own class switched to be rid of their current roommate. I understand that some people just don't click. But I am ecstatic that Steph and I are making it work and setting an example of the "perfect roommate relationship" as my bff Ryan would say. I think that we're so successful because we didn't try to push our friendship right away. We didn't assume that we were going to be bestfriends. We just let the magic happen and now we're closer than ever. We eased into talking and joking with each other and not trying to materialize something out of nothing. We don't argue, we're both extremely sarcastic so we just get each other's sense of humor. I think it also helps that we didn't have EVERY class together like some roommates. We could go through our own day and then come back to the room and fill each other in. We both like our quiet times where we just sit in the room and do homework or catch up on our shows. Our room is far from the party room, we don't constantly have people milling about so that's great too. I remember in the beginning she was so quiet and I realize now that it was just something she was going through and I'm so glad that she got passed that and now she's just sassy and fierce and she has turned into someone I can talk to. Literally all of my friends back home had roommates they don't like. They talked about what bugged them and how they want someone else. And I love how I just sat back and had nothing to say. I'm incredibly lucky. So luck that we're even thinking of rooming together again next year, and I KNOW that that's rare. That was just something on my mind today because last night I could NOT find my dorm ID anywhere, we like tore the room apart and this morning she found it for me. I'm so glad my roommate experience is a success story and not a nightmare. Props to resident housing for pairing us up. Now we have to clean this disaster of a room. Ta ta.

You're a joke.

So I'm staying up late tonight to watch all of my shows that I've missed from Monday and today. And I want to tell American Idol it's a joke. I'm sitting here catching up on the auditions and Hollywood week episodes. I'm so sick of seeing people who are obviously terrible going through to see the judges just to get a laugh. There's a pre-screening before you go see the judges, I know this because a girl from my school got on, so why let people who blatantly suck go in? Why waste their time, the judge's time, FOX's time, and the tv viewers time? Personally, I don't want to see shitty people. I'm watching the show to see who could be the next American Idol not people who could be on America's Funniest Home Videos. And I feel so bad for all of the people who actually have talent who aren't showcased on the show until they get down to the top 20. You go, "who the fuck is that? I haven't seen them at all this season and they're fierce as hell!" At least, that's what I always find myself saying. I'm just so done with seeing/hearing people who can't sing. Like these people in auditions who say that their whole town is behind them, or half their school comes to support them, or their families are their number 1 fans and they are just absolutely horrendous (as Simon might say). Someone needs to stop lying to these kids, it's just rude to have your son/daughter devote their lives to something they will never succeed at. Parents should try to point them in other directions. I'm all for trying things out, but if you don't got it...you don't got it. That's just how it is with singing. You have to start with a natural ability and I just think some of these kids/adults are either tone deaf or extremely deluded. Can they hear themselves? Some of them are obviously a joke, but there are some who are convinced they are the next american idol and it's just pathetic. There are some awesome people on American Idol though and that show is a great spring board for some people's careers so that's cool. People who are talented deserve to have that talent seen.

So I'm extremely excited to work on this research paper for English now that I actually have a topic. We had to come up with a personal theory that we believe in, and I found mine: Facebook is the new way of stalking (or somewhere along those lines). It's so true. Think of how many people you add on facebook that you don't actually know...that might not even be a picture of them and they could lie about their age or sex and constantly watch your status changes until you state exactly where you're going and they can find you. How creepy is that? I'm going to delve into cases where it's led to that or even just harassment. Facebook is definitely a tool that made stalking incredibly easy. No matter how many privacy settings they implement, it still depends on how naive the user is and that could put them at risk. Who knows, I might end up deleting my facebook after what I find. AH how will I stay in contact with anyone? lol

I have to go get real work done. But hey, it didn't take me a month to write another blog so yay me :)

Bloop, bleep.

How do people see you?



Are you a jock, a bad boy, a rich popular girl, a geek, the weirdo? I was thinking about that today. Personally, I don't even know what I would stereotype myself as. I'm not rich, nor am I that popular. Popular in the sense of having a bunch of friends because I find that most of the "popular" people have friends that aren't really their friends, its more about quantity than quality. I would much rather have a few close friends who I can count on than a shit ton of random acquaintances. Am I a geek because I sometimes like to learn? Does a jock mean that you play a sport or you play a bunch of sports or does it simply mean you're athletic? I certainly do weird things at times, so am I a weirdo? I've asked people what they thought of me before they even met me, and most of the time they say, "Oh I thought you were a bitch." 1) That's just plain rude to make that assumption without talking/hanging out/getting to know someone. 2) None of them could explain why, they just said "I don't know, I just did." What kind of answer is that, how can you base anything off of it? I don't know what to do to change that assumption people have about me either, I mean, it's not like they gave me much to work with. But I would like to correct that sooner rather than later. I just don't understand how that could be the first impression I give. That just kind of erks me.

You know what's really hard? Not wearing your emotions on your face. My mom would always tell me, "Aja you better watch your eyes" because apparently you can tell exactly what I'm thinking by looking at my eyes? People know when I'm irritated, or sad, or excited, or lying because I cannot keep a straight face for the life of me. It's just really difficult. And most of the time, I don't even realize I'm doing it. If I hear a wrong note, or smell a bad smell, or try to tell a fib, I make a face about it even if I try not to. I envy people who can keep a stone face when someone is trying to make them laugh, but then again, that's kind of mean. You could confuse the hell out of people because they don't know what you're feeling. I guess it's a blessing and a curse?

This blog's really random. I'm terrible at keeping up with this. I don't want it to just be about things that irritate me and I feel like that's what it's turned into. Complain, complain, complain. Anyone who reads it will think I'm a big complainer. I don't like to complain about things to other people though because I think it's annoying when people complain to me. So maybe this is just my outlet for all of my frustrations? Who knows...let me try to think of something positive to write about.

AHA! I'm in the middle of a showcase right now where the freshman musical majors sing. I realized that our class really is fierce. We have a ton of talented kids in it and I think this showcase really does, well, showcase that. I know that a lot of us will go extremely far and hopefully I'll get to work in a show on Broadway with them someday. People are of course bashing other people's songs and acting choices and voices because what would musical theatre be without trash talk? I mean, there are songs that are "boring" but the songs themselves are genuine and I think all of them have something to say. Although during the rehearsal process I would get extremely annoyed with people's lack of focus and care for the whole showcase, I am extremely happy with the finished product and can't wait to open this weekend.

Whoo, go positivity :)

Debbie Downer

Ok, I need to get into gear and get to this blog at least twice a week. I have a huge block of time right now so I thought I'd write a little something.

So in my Creative Process class today my teacher talked about self-image. And I'm not one of those people who obsess about what I eat or workout and I never want to become one. But I realized that I am pursuing a career where I am constantly going to be critiqued and judged and criticized about the way I look regardless of my talent. No wonder why so many actresses turn to drugs and crash diets to stay skinny, tabloids and most people, in general, are SO rude. They even chastise people who are obviously at a healthy weight and still say they're fat. Its like self-image has just turned into "how much do you weigh?" I think that there are more important things than weight that contribute to my self-image. Like I feel that my eyes are incredibly unique because they're almond shaped and hazel and my teeth are nice because I had braces. I don't know, it seems like everyone is so hung up on they're weight when there is so much more that makes up a person's image.

I feel like this blog is just going to be about everything that is bugging me at the present time. Oh well. Why are people so rude? Did the whole world just forget how to be humans? There are just some things you don't do, or things you are supposed to do. You don't make side comments after everything, especially when people are obviously not laughing at them. I'm just so sick of people voicing random comments that are rude or negative that they think are funny. It is so hard to focus when I hear a bird chirping in my ear after every sentence someone says. And another rude thing, I don't get how people can drop friends like they're yesterday's garbage. Like I know I haven't been friends with these people I met over first semester but I mean come on. I feel as though I was there for some people to talk to and thought we were close and then all of a sudden I don't exist? That is probably the most hurtful thing that anyone can do to me. I apparently wasted so much time being a good friend to some people.

I am just so sick of wasting things. Wasting time, money, energy, compassion, trust, etc. I feel like all I've been doing is wasting everything and the semester just started. And it is totally bringing me down. I can't focus. I'm so worried all the time. Something needs to change. I have too much going on right now to be so distracted. I need to GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE. But I might need a little help from my friends. My real friends lol. Ah, so this super depressing blog has got to come to an end somewhere, hopefully I'll remember to keep up with this and my next posts will be positive. Peace out girl scout.

Oops...

So I know myself better than I thought I did. I knew I wouldn't get to this blog everyday. I really wish I did. Maybe i'll add it to my list of New Year's resolutions.

Anyway, my life as of now described in one word: RELAXING.
I've spent more time in my room reading or watching Law and Order SVU than hanging out with friends. Everyone seems to just want to party their break away. This sounds bad coming from a college student, but I'm just over partying...or maybe I'm just over it with people who go overboard. I really like sitting at home and reading, and just hanging out with people I actually care about. I don't feel the need to go to a party and drink with people I don't even like and be ridiculously fake. It takes too much energy to act like you like someone and it's unfair to both people. Oh and the girls here just try to hard. Try too hard to look good, try too hard to get laid, try too hard to make their lives seem more fabulous than everyone else's. I'm just over it. I can't wait to go back to Chicago and hangout with actual REAL people. Although, I wish my fab five girls could come back with me to school. They are the few girls in this world who don't annoy me, that sounds bad, but it's true :P I love them with all my heart, they made my senior year and summer the most fun I've ever had and ultimately, they just understand me. They're the only reason I don't want to go back to school.


Ok, so here's how this semester's gonna go: I'm not going to let anyone influence me. If ANY of my fellow students try to tell me what I should be learning and what I should be doing with my life, I'm just going to walk away. I don't need that negativity and egotism. And I'm done hearing people complain and whine. It just puts me in a bad mood and I hate feeling like that. I'm also done with rude people. I don't think I've ever experienced the amount of rudeness that I experienced this semester. If people don't treat me the way I treat them, then they aren't people that deserve to be my friend. I'm living by "fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice, shame on me." Basically, I'm not taking anyone's shit this semester haha. I am a very good listener and will still be there to listen to the people I care about. But I will not allow people to walk all over me or drag me into their drama. I just want to have the best college experience I can and if people get in the way of that then I'm droppin 'em like a hot potato.

I'm so unbelievably excited to go back to Chicago. I can't even put it into words. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't wanna go back to that?!


Well that's all for now. Later gators.